An anthropologist’s guide to the strange specimens of social media.
1. The Older Relative That Just Learned How To Use Facebook:
This one you kind of have to forgive, because Aunt Helen’s comments on everything you post are just so sweet. This species is at least 55, just discovered Facebook, and is adorably bumbling around like a kitten with a blanket on its head. It’s all fun and games until Grandma finds your Cancun pictures from Spring break.
2. The Subtweeter
We’re all guilty of it once in awhile, but this one takes it to another level. Frequently seen tweeting things like “Of all the lies you told me, ‘I love you’ was my favorite.”
3. The Facebook Drama Queen.
Usually someone you went to high school with that never made it out of your hometown, this species takes the “What’s on your mind?” feature too literally. Don’t bother asking her why she posted “so broken right now,” it will be something new tomorrow. Get a diary.
4. The “You Don’t Look Like 200 Likes In Person”.
Her instagram photos are beautiful- until you meet her in person and barely recognize her. What app is she using, and where can I get it?
5. The Twitter Comedian.
I’ll be honest, most of my knowledge of the latest memes and slang comes from Twitter. I wonder how long those clever one-liners take to come up with? #omg #SoRelatable
6. The Instagram Wannabe.
This species wants to be #4, but just isn’t. Alas, this doesn’t prevent their daily selfies, but bless them for trying.
7. The Politician.
Whether they’re liberal or conservative, this species is under the impression that sharing daily Change.org articles is going to make a difference in your life. My personal favorite is when they argue with people in the comments section.
8. The Person Who Doesn’t Realize This Isn’t Tumblr.
While we love all the artsy photos of yourself, perhaps Facebook isn’t the place. As a sidenote, what was with the one where you’re naked holding a bell jar? MY EYES.
9. The Snapchat Superstar.
Their Snap Story is never less than 100 seconds per day, even if they literally haven’t left the house all weekend. Alternatively, if you didn’t snap every second of that Zedd concert, were you even there?
10. The Pinterest Pro.
I want to make a DIY lion head wall decoration using only candy wrappers and my own tears as much as the next gal, but the jewelry made out of Barbie doll parts? Too far.
An earlier version of this article was published here when I wrote for The Odyssey Online.
Twitter: @qhopp | Instagram: @quinnhopp | quinnhopp.com