“I haven’t failed, I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.” -Thomas Edison
As you all know, I don’t always make the wisest decisions. One hidden benefit of crashing and burning is that it’s a wonderful opportunity for self-reflection. While I am in no position to tell anyone what to do (hell, I can’t even tell myself), I can certainly tell you what not to do. All methods are tested and true, by me.
1.No, don’t write it down. You’ll remember.
2. He admits he’s not over his ex? We’ve all got baggage, take it as a challenge!
3. They probably didn’t get your last message. Text them again.
4. If your needs aren’t being fulfilled, sacrifice them entirely. You were probably asking for too much anyway.
5. A guy’s repeated late-night “you up?” texts are a clear indication that he’s secretly in love with you. Fantasize accordingly.
6. Three drinks in is the best time to call anyone.
7. Accept a job you really don’t want because you’ll never find anything better.
8. His dad’s longtime girlfriend pulls you aside to say that you deserve better and to get out of the relationship? Whatever, don’t listen to her. This divorcee and mother with decades more life experience couldn’t possibly know better than you.
9. Isolate yourself from the world in times of stress.
10. Alternatively, go to the party and pretend you’re fine, but snap at anyone who approaches.
11. See Also: take out your anger on your closest friends and/or family rather than admitting what’s bothering you.
12. *meets troubled, complicated man with various emotional issues*
*flings clothes across room*
*gets heart broken*
13. Rekindle an old flame, then find out he has a girlfriend. Why confront him like an adult when you could just send screenshots of your conversation to said girlfriend?
(That might not actually be bad advice, I’m kind of proud of that one).
(For the record, the girl thanked me and dumped his ass).
14. Your friend is wrong, you should definitely have another shot.
15. Let fear control you. Avoid joining in activities and hobbies because you’re too shy.
16. Go to a party knowing that a guy you’ve been hooking up with who recently stopped texting you back is going to be there. Drunkenly confront him outside.
17. Get into a relationship shortly after moving to a new city. Don’t bother to develop your own friendships and hobbies as a result.
18. Hey, what’s in that jungle juice? Never mind, drink it anyway.
19. You definitely don’t need to make that doctor’s appointment. Avoid it for as long as humanly possible.
20. Go see Hamilton with your significant other. It’s not like you’ll eventually break up and you’ll never be able to listen to the soundtrack again, right?
21. Carry a water bottle full of vodka across campus. What’s an open container charge?
22. Guy reappears in your life after months of absence for a booty call? It must be fate.
23. Create impossible “what if” scenarios and replay them constantly.
24. Deny that you have a UTI. Let it develop into a kidney infection and go to the hospital at 1 a.m.
25. Call him. I swear it’ll be different this time, he’s totally changed!
26. Ignore that “check engine” light on your car, it probably doesn’t mean anything.
27. Stubbornly insist that you don’t need help, and then call your parents in tears.
28. Your boss won’t care that you’re on your phone, text away!
29. Air your dirty laundry over social media. Deny it when confronted.