I wasn’t going to write this.
In fact, I’ll probably regret it the moment I hit “publish.”
Last week, I vowed to retreat from Hey, Can You You Hear Me? for awhile. Alas, old habits die hard, and the bitch (me) is back.
My retreat was partially due to a rude awakening. I was accused of something rather unfair and far-fetched by a now-blocked number that made me want to lock myself away and left me questioning whether this blog did more harm than good. I mean, the only “good” is really for me. Is it selfish, spilling my disjointed thoughts and vengeful moods into the great abyss of the Internet?
I seriously considered shutting HCYHM down forever. As my finger hovered over the trash button, a voice whispered: “since when have you ever done anything based on what someone else thinks? Since when have you given in to anything other than your own spite? Since when have you ever, EVER stopped writing because it didn’t sit well with someone else?”
I wasn’t going to write this. I have never named anyone I’ve written about, nor have I ever said anything that wasn’t true. I was reclaiming a narrative. I was reclaiming my dignity. I was reclaiming the vaguest of grips on my own sanity. In my darkest days, unloading my feelings into self-important electronic monologues was the only thing that brought me a flicker of joy. Hell, sometimes it still is.
Since I’ve recently been told there’s “no reason to create a negative impression on the Internet, which is public,” here’s some positive things:
- I started volunteering as a tutor for the adult literacy program at my local library.
- I get along really well with my new roommates.
- I’ve started cooking more and I’m really proud of it.
I wasn’t going to write this. Sometimes this blog can be self-indulgent and petty and cathartic. Taylor Swift’s new track “This Is Why We Can’t Have Nice Things” feels like it’s calling me out personally. But HCYHM also saved me.
I’m not even directing this blog post at any one person or group of people. I’m doing the exact thing the title “Hey, Can You Hear Me?” refers to: blindly shouting into the void.