Greetings, much-neglected world. It is I, Quinn, Girl Of A Thousand Existential Crises.
Where have I been, you ask? My dear readers, where HAVEN’T I been? I’ve been exploring the deepest throes of a pit I know too well: The In-Between.
Thanks to anti-depressants (and perhaps some newfound maturity), this isn’t nearly as bad as my last In-Between. There’s no ex-boyfriend I’m still pining over, no soul-crushing loneliness, no spontaneous cropped haircut.
I spent the last few months retreating into myself, rather than revert to my previous habit of self-flagellating all over this blog. Call it self-preservation, call it pure laziness. So, what happened to me these past few months?
In October, the place I’d worked at for 14 months completely restructured, letting the entire staff go. In other words, I didn’t quit, but I wasn’t fired, either. What followed was 2 months of job-searching. I developed a cozy little routine: wake up, go to the gym for 2 hours, come home, shower, job search. I did more graphic design for fun. I had zero excuse to not be writing, but for some reason, I didn’t. The job search was frustrating, and I devoted all my time to it. In the end, I was rejected for my absolute dream job and, facing financial strain, took on a 4-week stint as a law firm file clerk. My last day was Friday, which leaves me once again on the hunt for a new gig.
Truthfully, I thought I’d grown past the immaturity of vomiting my despair on this blog. The 2017/early 2018 me truly feels like another person. Haven’t you outgrown this? I think to myself. Aren’t you done being the nihilistic head case who pens snarky, self-pitying manifestos?
This should be old hat by now. I write cover letters, go on LinkedIn, and feverishly send out my resume. There is one shocking realization that stops me in my tracks: I’ve never had a job I actually wanted. I’ve never followed a set career path.
I’m not even sure what my next step is. Christ, am I that much of a failure?
So… now what? Do I keep slogging away in temporary writing positions, or do I do something totally different? Do I learn aerobics, do I find a sugar daddy, do I apply to work at Starbucks? (That was a joke, I will never work in retail or food service again if I can avoid it.)
As I said in my first In-Between: “It was a wakeup call for how truly lost I was in LA. I have entered what I like to call the In-Between. One phase of my life is clearly over, and I keep crashing and burning trying to find the next.”
I’m far from crashing and burning the way I was back then, but I live in fear I’ll slip back into it.
Now what, Quinn?
Truth be told, I have no fucking idea.